A wise Flower told me a little bit ago that “Experience is the ONLY teacher even when you’re walking with Jesus, some things he has to teach can only be taught that way.”
She was talking about something more specific, but it hit me just now on how true that is for many things in our lives.
Let me share a few things from my past that I don’t normally talk about for various reasons- but it might help explain why I am and how I came to be at this point in time that we have the site The Heart Beat.
Most folks already know about my husband passing away from Illness nearly 3 years ago. That was hard, and I miss him- but there were other things I had to deal with around the same time, or 3 months after, when I was told by his family that I had to find somewhere else to live. (Too long story I won’t go into. I could see their point, but I’d have preferred to be able to stay until I was more capable, more in the right mind and better yet- had some money saved before I had to leave).
I had a few months after losing Michael, to go through 60 + years of his, his families and old things of mine and our son’s to sort, what to take, what to give to his kids, what to sell and what to donate. I’d have preferred some help from someone at least to try and let me sell off some of the things I couldn’t take with us to an apartment, but I didn’t have help and no time. During this time, I also had to look for an apartment. Quickly. I was also going through some painful and extensive dental work at the time, which made traveling near impossible. Also trying to hold it together for my son, and losing my brother in law (Sister’s husband Julio) a month to the day after losing Michael. Yes, my life at the time resembled a really cheezy country song. And yes, I even had to try and find a place for Michael’s dog, which I feel much guilt over too, but couldn’t be helped back then. All of this within a half year’s time. If it hadn’t been for friends and also friends who donated monetarily to help with a few bills, I never would have made it.. One of those friends who sent money others had sent to him for me, is one who commented here earlier today. I don’t want to say anything about that part- because it makes me sad and I can’t do anything to help that situation.
That said, all of the things, losing Michael was hard, and not really expected- I thought he’d be ok. I never knew I was going to lose him, especially as quick as it happened. I will never be able to get the last day out of my mind no matter how hard I try. But even with that, it was losing home, our peace- HIS LAND that HE loved and was as much a part of him as his breath, that has almost killed me. I took to that land just as he did. Like a duckie to water. It was home. The “Home place” “The Swamp”. Dear Bought Land. He named it that when he was 14 years old- got the name from one of his favorite authors, Marjorie Stoneman Douglas, and that’s the most perfect name for it.
Anyway, it was hard- but it also brought back too much from my past. Michael was my 2nd marriage. My first ended after 10 years of mental and sexual abuse when my ex divorced me and kicked me out.
The first real home we’d had since we had gotten married, one that I poured everything into making. He took from me. It was like living it all over again.
I’m not trying to make people feel bad for me, because as bad as things have been- I know so many who have gone through much worse.
I am sharing this because I finally said “Enough” God- take it all. I can’t do this.
And He did. And He has been leading me, teaching me, and reminding me every. Single. Day, for the past 2 ½ years that He knows what’s healing, and best.
In more ways than just with me, He has displayed His intense love and caring in ways that make me know He is real- and no one will ever convince me otherwise.
I still slip up, every day. I whine, and lament and miss. But the Lord is patient.
Add to all of this. Politics, and the nature of things this past election. Yes, I have been politically active as much as I can be for years, especially those past 4 years before this election. But I can’t do it anymore. All the hate and negativity- still, the division and mean spirit. Changing politicians won’t solve it. And I finally, after losing so much, almost every part of my life that meant anything- I realized there is more to life than politics.
The Heart Beat was never supposed to be or meant to be competition. If it was, I’ve got enough political years under my belt as do others here, where we’d have just as well done politics and slinging BS like everyone else. Some people don’t get it, that some of us are too tired to go rounds anymore, or worry about things that we will never have control over.
It’s taken a lot of experience, and too much to teach me that, but sometimes that’s what it takes- something that just makes you say, ‘enough’ and let the Lord lead where He will. He was with me all the days of my life before, during and now- even when I wasn’t looking. He’s led me back to my first passion of writing. Letting Him lead me to write whatever He gives me a burden for or lays on my heart to write. And to remind people that He IS. And there is so much Hope still, in spite of all worldly things.
I’m no better or worse than anyone else really, just a little more open and willing to listen and learn. There are too many things that I can’t change, and I’ve realized that I need to start working on the things I can. If there is ever to be healing, a renewal, a revival- let it start in my heart, and help me to share it with others.
And that’s what I want to share through the Heart Beat. God just blessed me with a sweet and feisty Flower to help it along, and do it with me.
The content we have here, between whatever bits I can add to teach or share, with anything fun or edible from Suffer, historical accounts from Walter, teaching from Lawngren, sjmom or Daisy or anyone else, I am proud of. I’d be proud of us for our content whether we had no readers or comments or a zillion.
And I am proud that we keep our comments encouraging even when we disagree with things, because it shows that people can move past disagreements to things that we do agree on, or at least focus on what’s really important- “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11
I am glad and grateful for the few friends who’ve made our ‘porch’ their regular stop. I’m also glad others are finding their way here and hopefully enjoying it all too.
I’m proud of what we’ve done here, and all of you folks who come are like icing on the blessing cake.
All are welcome- but we won’t tolerate mean spirit, spiteful or bitterness for whatever caused it or assumed.